Driving the 'idiot screw' to extinction.

AuthorRobinson, David
PositionEconomically Speaking

It is time for Canada to deal with a vital international cultural and economic problem --the "idiot screw."

This isn't just a Canadian issue. The whole world would be better off if we could drive the idiot screw to extinction. Unfortunately, it may be too late.

Let me back up a bit and explain. My most recent struggle with the idiot screw came when I was installing baby gates to keep a 10-month-old from making suicidal visits to the staircase.

The gates were made in China, of course, but they came with the standard American idiot screw. For people who don't understand screws, the idiot screw is what Henry Ford decided to use when he couldn't guarantee his supply of Canadian screws. As any economist knows, where the Ford Motor Company led, America followed. Henry Ford essentially committed the entire nation to the Phillips screw. And he did it because he couldn't get control of the superior square-headed screw developed by Canadian P.L. Robertson.

The result of this quarrel over intellectual property was that Americans still suffer every time they try to install a baby gate or anything else because the idiot screw "cams out." That is what happens when the screwdriver jumps out of the screw head when you twist too hard. It usually wrecks the screw, gnaws away part of the screwdriver, and damages the area near the screw. A lot of blood has been spilled when a Phillips screw cams out. That sharp Phillips screwdriver can make a mess of any fingers holding an idiot screw in place.

Canadians with screwdrivers curse American culture every time they get a product with idiot screws. They experience the deep superiority of Canadian culture whenever they use a Robertson screw. The Robertson square head screw, which is really common only in Canada, almost never cams out. And it stays on the end of your screwdriver so you can insert it into difficult places.

Unfortunately, any product that China makes for the American market uses idiot screws. They ship products with idiot screws to Canada and everywhere else because they produce for American companies. You may be culturally Canadian, but the market will impose inferior American technology on you.

The dangerous and wasteful idiot screw should obviously be banned in every civilized country. Unfortunately, under the Canada-U.S. Free Trade Agreement it is illegal to discriminate against these unwanted aliens. Maybe when...

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