The first three months of not smoking were sheer hell. I was as addicted to nicotine as you can imagine. The worst part of the physical withdrawal lasted about six weeks (the "experts" tell you three days, well that just ain't true). The psychological withdrawal I continue to struggle with. I won't lie and say that I am over it. I am not. I still want to smoke. But I know I will not. I will not because I know that one cigarette would lead to another one and then another. I won't because for the first time I feel free. I am learning to be human without cigarettes. I am learning to cope without smoking. I am learning to be strong and to face what needs to be faced and not smoke. I am learning to be healthy and it feels really good. I am learning to breathe and it feels great. And so I celebrate my one year, smoke- free.

It was impossible to quit. Over the years I tried so many times and every time it was painful, and every time I failed. I lasted a few hours, a day or two, once I managed three days, but I always went back to what I craved, even if it was killing me. Smoking was a friend. Tears of joy, I smoked. Tears of sadness and grief, I smoked. Stress, smoke. Fatigue, smoke. Hunger, smoke. Depression, loneliness, pain, hurt, social functions, time alone, celebrations, study, work, marriage, divorce, smoke, smoke, smoke.