Conflict Between Parents, Part 2: Strategies to Reduce Conflict.

• Author: Boyd, John-Paul

In Part 1 of this article, I wrote about the effects conflict between parents can have on their children. In this part of the article, I'm going to talk about some steps parents can take to protect children from their conflict.

First, the bad news. Children are commonly negatively affected when their parents separate. Separation undermines their sense of stability and the security they feel in their relationship with their parents. Separation is associated with adverse outcomes like depression, anxiety, falling behind in school, delinquency, substance use and abuse and, for younger children, the temporary loss of important developmental milestones.

The likelihood that a child will experience one or more of these outcomes is influenced by their own resilience, their parents' behaviour and the resources available to the child outside the home, including the presence of supportive adults at school and the availability of counselling. Conflict between parents is one of the more important of these factors and poorly managed conflict can increase both the chance that a child will experience an adverse outcome as well as the severity of any adverse outcomes that are experienced.

Now, the good news. There are a number of things that parents can do to protect children from conflict. Every step that protects children from conflict helps, no matter how small, even if it's just one parent making the effort. Here are some easy things to do and not do, before we get into more challenging steps.

Do not:

* Encourage, or fail to discourage, the child's negative remarks about the other parent.

* Ask the child questions that will test the child's loyalty or put the child in a loyalty conflict--"would you rather come with me to the fair this weekend or go to your dad's office while he works?"

* Create a need for the child to conceal information or feelings.

* Grill the child about activities, including meals and bedtimes, in the other parent's house.

* Badmouth the other parent to the child, or within the child's hearing.

* Talk about who is to blame for the separation.

* Share details about the separation or what's going on in court with the child.

* Undermine the other parent's authority.

Do:

* Continue to be actively engaged in parenting the child and in the child's life.

* Listen and pay attention to the child's thoughts and feelings about the separation, the child's relationship with the other parent and your relationship with the other parent.

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