From Gardner to four corners: a tale of two roadside manners.

• Author: Atkins, Michael
• Position: Brief Article

The other day I was driving along the Gardner expressway in Toronto minding my own business watching the sun setting nicely into the choking pollution, which gave everything a nice gaseous orange and red hue, when suddenly a half naked mermaid jumped out in front of my car and nearly killed me.

The mermaid was actually on one of those mammoth pixel TV screens now engulfing the highway, I assume on the assumption that any time between 6 a.m. and 9 a.m. in the morning and 3 p.m. and 7 p.m. in the afternoon the average driver will have time to take in an entire half-hour TV show on the highway before moving on.

The mermaid got me to thinking about roadside signs, more particularly the difference between the ones you get in Toronto and the ones you see in Sudbury; two places I drive into and out of a lot.

The Gardner's theme is essentially, sex, beer and cars. Sudbury's roadside manner introduced on the outskirts of Highway 69 is a little more difficult to discern. It begins in earnest with a huge red sign that says:

"BE AN ORGAN DONOR TELL YOUR FAMILY"

It is sponsored by the Irish Heritage Club with a nice drawing of an Irish harp at the bottom. I have been wondering about that sign for years and never slowed down long enough to see who sponsored it. I have travelled from one end of Ireland to the other and at no point witnessed a particular interest in organs. Must be something peculiar to the Irish in Sudbury.

I find the signs on the Gardner expressway implore me to enjoin my manhood with beer drinking, car buying and ogling scantily clad women, and generally live, eat and be merry. Sudbury has a more puritanical approach.

Just after being exhorted to donate an organ in Sudbury comes a solemn statement of fact from a goofy looking dog with a fireman's hat on that declares:

"SUDBURY IS A LEARN NOT TO BURN COMMUNITY"

I do not know if the dog is thinking of forests, houses or toast, but it is singularly uninspiring as a commercial message.

Just after the goofy dog, I am told to:

"STOP IMPAIRED DRIVING" and told to call 911. Across the road I read:

"POACHING IS A CRIME"

My guess is that by the time newcomers to the city reach the Four Corners in Sudbury they are getting the feeling they better watch their p's and q's in this town or there is going to be trouble.

This sign thing can be addictive.

I note Sudburians...