Parenting Arrangements

• Author: Julien D. Payne/Marilyn A. Payne
• Pages: 128-162

128

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Parenting Arrangements

A. THE EMOTIONAL CRISIS OF CHILDREN EXPOSED TO

PARENTAL SEPARATION AND DIVORCE

Marriage breakdown is not just stressful for spouses. It takes a heavy toll

on children. Separated parents cannot eliminate the stress encountered by

their children. What they can do is try to contain it or, at least, not aggravate

it. Parents can help children cope with the emotional upheaval of divorce.

Of course, many parents are undergoing their own emotional trauma. This

reduces their ability to meet their children’s emotional needs. Parents under

excessive pressure are well advised to consult their family doctor, their reli-

gious leader, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a pediatrician, or a social worker.

Family services agencies in both large and small communities can also pro-

vide counselling assistance.

Even without consulting others, parents can take steps to reduce pres-

sures on their children. Children should be warned of any pending spousal

separation. They are entitled to know in advance. The y must be reassured

that Mom and Dad both love them even though Mom and Dad are not

getting along and can no longer live together in the same house. When

children learn that their parents are splitting up, they may cry. They will be

angry. That is normal. Children must be allowed to express their emotions.

Parents must show understanding. The children’s teachers must be told

about the separation or divorce. Children act out their turmoil, and teachers

Parenting Arrangements 129

should have advance notice of what to expect. It is the parents’ respons-

ibility, not the children’s, to keep teachers informed. Perhaps the biggest

problem for the children of separating parents is the breakdown in family

communications. The children are not told what is happening and why it is

happening. They are left in the dark. Parents may be ashamed to talk about

it, or they may be afraid that embarrassing details could come out. Parents

must make every eort to suppress their shame and fear in the interests of

their children’s emotional well-being. Children are entitled to explanations.

They should be encouraged to ask questions. Both parents must help their

children deal with their feelings. Parents must learn to treat the marriage as

ended but their parenting privileges and responsibilities as ongoing. Above

all, they must avoid war games. Spousal hostilities must be suppressed, not

expressed, in the presence of the children. Even bad spouses can be good

parents after separation or divorce. Not all of them, but some of them.

Children react in dierent ways to separation and divorce. Their reac-

tions often depend on their age or stage of development. Preschool children

often regress to baby talk, bedwetting, or destructive behaviour. They may

whine and become clingy. They are frightened of being left alone. They fear

being abandoned by the remaining parent. They blame themselves for the

divorce. They need simple explanations and reassurance about their estab-

lished daily routines. Shorter, but frequent, meetings with the absent parent

are preferable to long and infrequent stays. The absent parent should see

younger children no less than once every week. Six- to eight-year-old children

grasp the consequences of divorce. They openly display grief and anger. Both

parents must help these children deal with their grief and anger and realize

that these are normal reactions to separation or divorce. Nine- to twelve-year-

old children suppress their emotions. They must be encouraged to open up.

Their school grades and peer relationships are likely to deteriorate. T hey

may side with one parent. It is especially important for these children to

preserve the lines of communication with an absent parent. Fortnightly over-

night visits with the absent parent are appropriate for preteens, with longer

visits during school holidays. Teenagers understand what is happening but

still nd it dicult to cope. They sometimes act out their grief in delinquent

behaviour, truancy, or sexual activities. Older children expect a greater say in

their future involvement with the absent parent. Both parents must be ex-

ible. The children’s own interests and activities must not be ignored when

ongoing parenting arrangements are made following separation or divorce.

Visits every weekend are inconvenient for teenage children. They have their

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own friends and their own schedules. They usually prefer occasional week-

ends or longer visits over school holidays. They may enjoy visits lasting

several weeks during the long summer vacation. Parents must negotiate

arrangements with these children. They cannot be imposed from above.

Separated and divorced parents often fail to appreciate what is happen-

ing with their children. They need help from trained professionals, from

the schools, and from community and self-help organizations. Many are

ashamed to seek help. They will talk about their problems with neighbours

and friends. But they will not go to see a qualied professional. For those

people who unwisely decline to seek professional help, the following Code

of Parental Conduct may be helpful:

• All children need to love and be loved by both parents. Children of

separated or divorced parents are no exception. Indeed, they need

special attention.

• Positive relationships with both parents cannot be promoted when

spousal hostilities intrude. Each parent must show respect for the

other. Badmouthing or recriminations communicated to the children

can only do harm. At the very least, children should experience civility

between their parents.

• Separated or divorced spouses must give priority to their children’s

interests. If that involves sacrices by either parent, so be it! Children

deserve no less!

• Fundamental change is always threatening. Both parents must strive

to preserve as much stability in the parent–child relationship as is

humanly possible. Quality time must be spent with the absent parent.

Preservation of parent–child bonding will not be achieved by weekly

visits to movies, museums, swimming pools, McDonald’s, or KFC.

Meaningful parent–child communication necessitates privacy and a

home environment, however humble it might be.

• Both parents must recognize that their separated or divorced spouse

will probably form new relationships, if they have not already done so.

The ability of the children to cope with these new relationships is di-

cult enough without snide and oensive comments from the ex. With

such editorial comment, children nd it next to impossible to adjust.

Absent parents who spend less time with their children can expect to

get butteries in their stomach before and after a weekend get-together. The

children have similar problems. Their fairy-tale dream of living happily ever