Responding to children's refusal to visit after separation--part 3.

Posted By: John-Paul Boyd

In the first part of this article, I wrote about the research on children who refuse to visit a parent after separation and how children's relationship with a parent can sometimes break down for reasons other than the interfering actions of the other parent. In the second part, I talked about the warning signs that suggest a child is at risk of becoming alienated from a parent, about how few claims of alienation are actually proven in court and about how the courts tend to respond to alienation claims that are proven.

In this, the final part of my article, I'll talk about the options that are available when alienation is suspected or established, and offer some suggestions for how cases involving claims of alienation and estrangement should be handled when they go to court.

Understanding why the child refuses to visit

A child may refuse to visit a parent for a variety of reasons including estrangement, alienation and reasons that are appropriate to the child's age, maturity and gender. These can include separation anxiety, fear for an emotionally vulnerable parent or a simple preference for one parent over the other, and suggest neither estrangement nor alienation. The steps that are best suited to address a particular child's refusal to visit a parent depend on why the child is refusing to visit the parent. The interventions appropriate in cases of alienation aren't necessarily going to be appropriate in cases of estrangement, and children who have distanced themselves from a parent for reasons that are age- and gender-appropriate may need no intervention at all.

Unfortunately, understanding a child's refusal to visit will usually require the assessment of a mental health professional like a psychologist. It can be very difficult, if not impossible, for the parents to figure it out themselves. No one likes to think that their parenting skills need to be improved and few people who are trying to damage the child's relationship with another parent are going to admit it.

This assessment should be performed as soon as possible, which may require applying to court for an order if the parents can't agree. Professor Nick Bala and psychologist Barbara Jo Fidler say that:

"The success of legal and mental health interventions depends on establishing, as early as possible, the reasons a child rejects a parent, and responding before parents and children become set in their attitudes and patterns of behaviour. ... Bitter...