The Crises of Marriage Breakdown and Processes for Dealing with Them

• Author: Julien D. Payne/Marilyn A. Payne
• Pages: 131-173

 

THE CRISES OF MARRIAGE

BREAKDOWN AND PROCESSES

FOR DEALING WITH THEM

A. THE CRISES OF MARRIAGE BREAKDOWN

For most families, marriage breakdown provokes three crises: an emo-

tional crisis; an economic crisis; and a parenting crisis. Both of the spouses

and their chi ldren suf‌fer severe emotional upheava l when the unity of the

family disintegrates.Failure in the mostbasic of life’s commitments is not

lightlyshruggedof‌fbyitsvictims. Marriagebreakdown,whetherornot

accompanied by divorce, is a painful ex perience. Furthermore, relatively

few famil ies encounter separation or divorce without encounteri ng f‌inan-

cial setback s. e emotional and economic c rises resulting from marri age

breakdown are compou nded by the co-parental divorce when there a re

dependent children. Bond ing between children a nd their absent parent is

inevitably threatened by spousal separation and divorce.

Paul Bohannanidentif‌ied six “stations” in the highly complex human

process of mar riage breakdown:

• the emotional divorce;

• the legal divorce;

• the economic divorce;

• the co-parental divorce;

• the community divorce; and



 CANADIAN FAMILY LAW

• the ps ychic divorce.

Each of these st ations of divorce involve s an evolutionar y process and

there is substantial interaction between them. e dynamicsof marriage

breakdown, which are multi-faceted, cannot be addressed in isolation.

History demon strates a predi sposition to seek t he solution to the

crises of marriage breakdown in external systems. During the past 

years, the Church, law, and medicine have each been called upon to deal

with the crisesof marriage breakdown. Understandably, each system has

beenfoundwantinginitssearchforsolutions.Peopleareaversetolosing

controlovertheirownlives. Decreesand“expert”rulingsthatexclude

af‌fected parties from the decision-making process do not pass unchal-

lenged. Omniscience is not the prerogative of any profession. Nor should

thefamily’srighttoself-determinationbelightlyignored.

B. THE EMOTIONA L DIVORCE

Formanypeople,therearetwocriteriaofself-fulf‌ilment.Oneissatisfac-

tion on the job. e second, a nd more importa nt one, is satisfaction wit h

one’s marriage or family. When marriagebreakdown occurs, the spouses

and their children experience a grieving process. Separated spouses f‌ind

themselves li ving alone in a couples-oriented societ y. e concept of the

swinging single was belied by reality long before the AIDS crisis. e

devastating ef‌fect of marriage breakdown is particularly evident with the

displaced long-term homemaking spouse whose united family has crum-

bled and who is ill-equipped, psychologically and otherwise, to convert

homemaking skills into gainful employment.

Most legal divorces in Canada are uncontested. Issues relating to the

economic and parenting consequences of marriage breakdown are usu-

ally resolved by negotiation between the spouses, who are often repre-

sentedbyindependentlawyers.Becausetheoverwhelmingmajorityofall

divorces are u ncontested, it might be a ssumed that the legal s ystem works

well in resolving the economic and parenting consequences of marriage

breakdown. at as sumption cannot pass unch allenged.

In the ty pical legal divorce scenar io, spouses negotiate a settlement at

a time when one orboth a re undergoingthe emotional trauma of marriage

breakdown. Ps ychiatri sts and psychol ogists ag ree that th is “emotional

 PaulBohannan,“eSixStationsof Divorce”inDivorce and After (New York:

Doubleday&Co.,)c. II.

The Crise s of Marriage Breakdown and Pro cesses for Dealing with T hem

divorce” passes through a variety of states, including denial, hostility,

anddepression,totheultimateacceptanceofthedeathofthemarriage.

Working through the spousal emotional divorce rarely takes less than

twoyears. Intheinterim,permanentandlegallybindingdecisionsare

often made to regu late the economic and parenting con sequences of the

marriage breakdown. From a legal perspective, the economica nd parent-

ing consequences of the marriage breakdown are interdependent. Deci-

sions respecting any continued occupation of the matrimonial home, the

amount of child support, and the amount of spousal support, if any, are

conditioned on the arrangements made for the f uture upbring ing of the

children. e p erceived legal interdependence of propert y rights, support

rights, a nd parental ri ghts aft er divorce natura lly af‌fords opportun ities

forabusebylawyersandtheirclients.elawyerwhohasbeenimbued

with the “will to win” from the outset of his or her career, coupled with

the client who negotiate s a settlement when his or her emotional d ivorce

is unresolved, can wreak future havoc on the spouses and on their chil-

dren. All too often, when s ettlements are negotiated, children become

pawnsor weapons in thehands of game-playing or warringadults and the

battlesdonotceasewiththejudicialdivorce.

e interplaybet weent heemotional dyna mics ofma rriage breakdown

and regulat ion of the economic consequences of ma rriage breakdown may

be demonstrated by the following examples. A needy spouse who insists

that no claim for spou sal support shou ld be pursued may be man ifesting

a hope for reconcil iation or a state of depress ion. A spouse who ma kes

excessive demands is often manifesting hostil ity. A spouse who prof‌fers

an unduly generous f‌inancial settlement may be expiating guilt. Denial,

depression, hostility, and guilt are all typical manifestations of the emo-

tional divorce w hich elicit inappropr iate responses to dea ling wit h the

practica l economic and parent ing consequence s of marriage brea kdown.

Furthermore, l ike most emotional s tates they cha nge with the pas sage of

time. Separated spouses, lawyers, and mediators should be aware of the

dangers of premature settlements when one or both of t he spouses are

still goi ng through emotion al turmoi l. Indeed, the not ion of a “cooling-

of‌f”period,thoughunsuccessfulasameansofdivorceavoidance,might

have signif‌ic ant advantages with respe ct to negotiated spousal s ettlements

on marriage brea kdown. Certain ly, spouses and t heir lawyers should more

frequently assess the strategic potential of interim agreements as a stage in

a longer-term divorce adjustment and negotiation process.

e legal divorce and the emotional di vorce usually i nvolve dif‌ferent

time fra mes. Further more, the emotional d ivorce is rarely contempora-