Bridging troubled waters.

• Author: Miller, Marla

One of the most common feelings experienced by people in a relationship breakdown is that of loss of control. Living arrangements change; financial demands are different; emotions of each of the parties and their children run high; and even social relationships are affected. These situations can often lead to anger, fear, and depression, which often seem to exacerbate the feelings arising out of the loss of control. That feeling of being a victim to the whirlwind of separation and/or divorce can be compounded when the parties become subject to the formal legal process and the courts. When the court is involved, the parties have much less control over the outcome and major decisions affecting their lives, and the lives of their children are left to the decision of a third party, namely a judge. Although knowledgeable and committed to determining the best answer according to the law, judges are strangers to the parties and their children. As a result, judge-made decisions are often not those that the parties themselves would have come up with if they had been able to make their own joint decisions.

We intrinsically know that when we are angry we do not make good decisions, and we rarely make decisions that will take into consideration the needs or interests of the parry who has angered us. Think about the last time you were angry with your child's behaviour, and at the same time the child asked for something as ordinary as permission to go out. Likely your answer was a resounding "NO", just because you were angry and were not open or able to make a considered decision. In light of that, it is no wonder that parties to a relationship breakdown -- who may come to the legal process with their own anger or who may feel frustrated and angered by the legal system and the time, cost, and stress involved -- are often unable to reach reasonable resolutions to their own situations in a reasonable amount of time and cost.

What can be done about the anger? Experienced family lawyers across Canada and the United States, who have been involved in dealing with couples and families going through relationship breakdowns and have seen the demands and costs of turning to litigation and the courts for resolution to these matters, are more and more convinced that there is a better way to resolve these matters. These lawyers have turned to a practice formally known as Collaborative Family Law.

First started in 1990 in Minneapolis, Minnesota by a family lawyer...