The Crises of Marriage Breakdown and Processes for Dealing with Them

• Author: Julien D. Payne/Marilyn A. Payne
• Pages: 134-178

 

THE CRISES OF MARRIAGE

BREAKDOWN AND PROCESSES

FOR DEALING WITH THEM

A. THE CRISES OF MARRIAGE BREAKDOWN

For most families, marriage breakdown provokes three crises: an emo-

tional crisis; an economic crisis ; and a parenting crisis. Both of the spouses

and their children su f‌fer severe emotional upheaval when the unity of the

family disi ntegrates. Failure in the most basic of life’s commitments is not

lightly shrugged of‌f by its v ictims. Marriage breakdown, whether or not

accompanied by divorce, is a painf ul experience. Furthermore, relatively

few families encounter separ ation or divorce without encountering f‌inan-

cial setback s. e emotional and econom ic crises result ing from marri age

breakdown are compounded by the co-parental divorce when there are

dependent children. Bonding bet ween children and their absent parent is

inevitably threatened by spousal sepa ration and divorce.

Paul Bohannan identif‌ied six “stations” in the highly complex human

process of ma rriage breakdown:

• the emotional d ivorce;

• the legal divorce;

• the economic di vorce;

• the co-parental divorce;

• the community divorce; and

• the psychic divorce.

 PaulBohannan, “e Six Stations of Divorce”inPaul Bohanna n, “e Six Stations of Divorce” in Divorc e and After (New York:

Doubleday & Co., ) c. II.

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135The Crise s of Marriage Breakdown and Pro cesses for Dealing with T hem

Each of these s tations of divorce involves a n evolutionary proce ss and

there is substantial i nteraction among them. e dynamics of marriage

breakdown, which are multifaceted, cannot be addressed in isolation.

History demonstrates a pred isposition to s eek the solution to t he

crises of marriage breakdown in external systems. During the past 

years, the Church, law, and medicine have each been called upon to deal

with the crises of marr iage breakdown. Understandably, each system has

been found wanting in its sea rch for solutions. People are averse to losing

control over their own lives. Decrees and “expert” rul ings that exclude

af‌fected parties f rom the decision-making process do not pass unchal-

lenged. Omniscience is not the prerogative of any profession. Nor should

the family’s right to self-determi nation be lightly ignored.

B. THE EMOTIONAL DIVORCE

For many people, there are two criteria of self-ful f‌ilment. One is satisfac-

tion on the job. e second, and more important one, is satisfaction with

one’s marriage or family. When marriage breakdown occurs , the spouses

and their children experience a grieving process. Separated spouses f‌ind

themselves living a lone in a couples-oriented society. e concept of the

swinging sing le was belied by reality long before the AIDS crisis. e dev-

astating ef‌fect of marriage breakdown is particularly evident with the dis-

placed long-term homemaking spouse whose united fam ily has crumbled

and who is ill-equipped, psychological ly and otherwise, to convert home-

making ski lls into gainful employment.

Most legal divorces in Canada are u ncontested. Issues relating to the

economic and pa renting conseq uences of marri age breakdown are us u-

ally resolved by negotiation between the spouses, who are often repre-

sented by independent lawyers. Because the overwhel ming majority of all

divorces are uncontested, it might be assumed t hat the legal system works

well in resolv ing the econom ic and parenting consequences of ma rriage

breakdown. at assumption cannot pass unchallenged.

In the typica l legal divorce scenario, spouses negotiate a settlement at

a time when one or both are undergoing the emotional t rauma of marriage

breakdown. Psychiatrists and psychologists agree t hat this “emotional

divorce” passes through a variety of states, including denial, hostility,

and depression, to the ultimate acceptance of the death of the marr iage.

Working through the spousal emotional divorce rarely takes less than

two years. In the interi m, permanent and legally bindi ng decisions are

136 CANADIAN FAMILY LAW

often made to reg ulate the econom ic and parentin g consequences of t he

marriage breakdown. From a legal perspective, the economic and parent-

ing consequences of the marriage breakdown are i nterdependent. Deci-

sions respecting any continued occ upation of the matrimonial home, the

amount of child support, and the amount of spousa l support, if any, are

conditioned on the arrangements made for the futu re upbringing of the

children. e perceived legal interdependence of proper ty rights, suppor t

rights, and parental rig hts after divorce natural ly af‌fords opportunities

for abuse by lawyers and their clients. e lawyer who has been imbued

with the “will to win” from the outset of his or her career, coupled with

the client who negotiates a settlement when his or her emotional divorce

is unresolved, can wreak f uture havoc on the spouses and on their chil-

dren. All too often, when settlements are negotiated, children become

pawns or weapons in the hands of game-playing or warri ng adults and the

battles do not cease with the judicial d ivorce.

e interplay between the emotional dynamics of marriage break-

down and regu lation of the econom ic consequences of m arriage brea k-

down may be demonstrated by the following examples. A needy spouse

who insists that no claim for spousa l support should be pursued may be

manifesting a hope for reconciliat ion or a state of depression. A spouse

who makes excessive demands is often mani festing hostility. A spouse

who prof‌fers an unduly generous f‌inancial settlement may be expiating

guilt. Denia l, depression, hostility, and gui lt are all typical man ifestations

of the emotional divorce that elicit inappropriate respon ses to deali ng

with the practical economic a nd parenting consequences of marriage

breakdown. Furthermore, like most emotional states they change with

the passage of time. Separated spouses, lawyers, and mediators should

be aware of the dangers of premature settlements when one or both of

the spouses are stil l going through emotional tur moil. Indeed, the no-

tion of a “cooling-of‌f” period, though unsuccessful as a means of divorce

avoidance, might have signif‌icant advantages with respe ct to negotiated

spousal settlements on marr iage breakdown. Certainly, spouses and their

lawyers should more frequently assess the strategic potential of interim

agreements as a stage in a longer-term divorce adjustment and negotia-

tion process.

e legal divorce and the emotional divorce usual ly involve dif‌ferent

time frames. Fur thermore, the emotional divorce is rarely contempor-

aneous for both spouses. Lawyers frequently encounter situations where

one spouse regards the marriage as over but the other spouse i s unable

or unwil ling to accept t hat reality. In circumst ances where one of the