The Crises of Marriage Breakdown and Processes for Dealing With Them
| Author | Julien D. Payne/Marilyn A. Payne |
| Pages | 132-173 |
e Crises of Marriage Breakdown
and Processes for Dealing With em
A. THE CRISES OF MARR IAGE BREAKDOWN
For most families, marriage breakdow n provokes three crises: an emotional
crisis; an econom ic crisis; and a parenting crisis. Both of the s pouses and
their child ren suffer severe emotional upheaval when the unity of the family
disintegrates. Failure in the most bas ic of life’s com mitments is not lightly
shrugged off by its victims. M arriage breakdown , whether or not accompan-
ied by d ivorce, is a pain ful exper ience. Furthermore, relat ively few famil ies
encounter separation or divorce without encountering financial setbac ks.
e emotional and economic cr ises resulting f rom marriage breakdown are
compounded by the co-parental divorce w hen there are dependent ch ildren.
Bonding be tween children and their absent parent is i nevitably threatened
by spousal separ ation and divorce.
Paul Bohannan identified s ix “stations” in the hig hly complex human
process of marri age breakdown:
the emotional divorce;•
the legal divorce;•
the economic divorce;•
the co-parenta l divorce;•
the community divorce; and•
the psychic divorce.•
Paul Bohann an, “e Six Statio ns of Divorce” in Divorce and Af ter (New York: Doubleday
& Co., ) c. .
Chapter : The Cr ises of Marriage Breakdo wn and Processes for Dealing Wit h Them
Each of these st ations of d ivorce involves a n evolutionary process and
there is substantia l interaction among them. e dynamics of ma rriage
breakdown, whic h are multifaceted, cannot be addressed i n isolation.
History demonstr ates a predisposition to seek the solution to the cr ises
of marr iage breakdown i n external systems. During the past years , the
Church, law, and medicine have each been cal led upon to deal with the crises
of marr iage breakdown. Understa ndably, each sy stem has been found wa nt-
ing in its search for solutions. People are averse to losing control ove r their
own lives. Decrees and “exper t” ruli ngs that exclude affec ted parties from
the deci sion-making process do not pass unchallenged. Omniscience is not
the prerogative of any profession. Nor should the f amily’s right to self-deter-
mination be light ly ignored.
B. THE EMOTIONAL DIVORCE
For m any people, there are two criteria of self-fulfil ment. One is sat isfac-
tion on the job. e second, and more i mportant one, is sat isfaction w ith
one’s marriage or family. When marriage breakdow n occurs, the spouses and
their children experience a grieving process. S eparated spouses find them -
selves living a lone in a couples-oriented society. e concept of the swinging
single was belied by reality long before the AIDS crisis. e devastating ef-
fect of marriage breakdown is particularly evident with the displ aced long-
term homemaking spouse whose united fa mily h as cr umbled and who is
ill-equip ped, psychologica lly and otherwise, to convert homemaking sk ills
into gainfu l employment.
Most legal d ivorces in Canada are uncontested. Issues relating to the
economic and parenting consequences of marr iage breakdow n are usually
resolved by negot iation between the spouses, who are often represented by
independent lawyers. B ecause the overwhelming major ity of all divorces are
uncontested, it might be assumed that the legal system works well in resolv-
ing the economic and parenting consequences of marriage breakdow n. at
assumption cannot pass u nchallenged.
In t he typical legal d ivorce scenario, spouses negotiate a settlement at
a time when one or both a re undergoing the emotiona l trauma of m arriage
breakdown. Psychiatri sts and psychologists agree that this “emotional di-
vorce” passes through a va riety of states, includi ng deni al, host ility, a nd
depression, to the ulti mate acceptance of the deat h of the marriage. Work-
ing throug h the spousal emotional divorce rarely takes les s than two years.
In the interim, per manent and leg ally binding decisions are often made to
regulate the economic and parenting consequences of the m arriage break-
down. From a legal perspective, the economic and parenting consequences of
the ma rriage breakdow n are interdependent. Decisions respec ting any con-
tinued occupation of the mat rimonial home, the amount of child sup port,
and the amount of s pousal support, if any, are conditioned on the arrange-
ments mad e for the future upbringing of the c hildren. e perceived lega l
interdependence of property rights, suppor t rights, and parental rights after
divorce naturally affords opportu nities for abuse by lawyers and their clients.
e law yer who ha s been imbued with t he “will to win” from the outset of
his or her career, coupled with the client who negoti ates a settlement when
his or her emotiona l divorce i s unresolved, can wrea k future havoc on t he
spouses and on their ch ildren. Al l too often, when settlements are negoti-
ated, children become pawns or weapons in the hands of game-play ing or
warring adu lts and the battles do not cease with the judic ial divorce.
e i nterplay betwee n the emotional dy namics of marri age breakdown
and regulation of t he economic consequences of m arriage breakdown may
be demonstrated by the following exa mples. A needy spouse who insi sts that
no cl aim for spou sal support should be pursued may be manifesting a hope
for reconcili ation or a st ate of depression. A spouse who makes excessive de-
mands is of ten manifesting host ility. A spouse who proffers an unduly gener-
ous financ ial settlement may be expiating g uilt. Denial, depression, hostility,
and guilt a re all typica l mani festations of the emotional divorce that elicit
inappropriate responses to deali ng with the practical economic and parent-
ing consequences of marriage breakdown. Fur thermore, like most emotional
states, they change with the passage of time. Separated spouses, lawyers, and
mediators should be aware of the dangers of premature settlements when
one or both of the spouses are stil l going through emotional turmoil. Indeed,
the notion of a “cooling-off” period, though un successful as a means of di -
vorce avoidance, might have significant advantages with respect to negotiated
spousal settlements upon ma rriage breakdow n. Certainly, sp ouses and their
lawyers should more frequently assess the strategic potentia l of interim agree-
ments as a stage in a longer-ter m divorce adjustment and negotiation process.
e legal divorce and the e motional divorce u sually involve different
time frames. Furt hermore, the emotional divorce is rarely contemporaneous
for both spouses. Lawyers frequently encounter situat ions where one spouse
regards the marriage as over but the other spouse is unable or unwilling to
accept that rea lity. In circumsta nces where one of the spouses is adamantly
opposed to cutti ng the marital umbilical cord, embit tered negotiations or
contested litigation over support, property division, or custody or access
often reflect an unresolved emotional d ivorce. Spouses who have not worked
their w ay through the emotional divorce displace what is essentiall y a non-
litigable issue relating to the preservation or dissolution of the marriage by
fighting over the litigable is sues of support, proper ty-sharing, custody, and
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