The Crises of Marriage Breakdown and Processes for Dealing with Them

• Author: Julien D. Payne, Marilyn A. Payne
• Pages: 123-163

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 

e Crises of Marriage Breakdown

and Processes for Dealing with em

A. THE CRISES OF MAR RIAGE BREAKDOWN

For most families, mar riage breakdown provokes three cr ises: an emotional

crisis; an econom ic crisis; and a pa renting crisi s. Both of the spouses and

their child ren suer severe emotional upheaval when the unity of t he family

disintegrates. Failure i n the most basic of life’s commitments is not light ly

shrugged o by its v ictims. Marriage brea kdown, whether or not accompan-

ied by divorce, is a painf ul exp erience. Further more, relatively few fa milies

encounter separation or divorce wit hout encountering nanci al setbacks.

e emotional and economic cr ises resulting from m arriage bre akdown are

compounded by the co-pare ntal divorce when there are dependent c hildren.

Bonding between children and their absent parent is inevitably threatened

by spousal sepa ration and divorce.

Paul Bohannan ident ied six “stations” in t he highly complex human

process of marri age breakdown:

t the emotional divorce;

t the legal divorce;

t the economic divorce;

t the co-parenta l divorce;

t the community di vorce; and

t the psychic divorce.

 Paul Bohann an, “e Six Station s of Divorce” in Divorce and After ( New York: Doubleday

& Co, ) c .

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Each of these stations of d ivorce involves an evolutionary pro cess and

there is substantia l interaction among them. e dyn amics of mar riage

breakdown, whic h are multifaceted, cannot be addressed in isolat ion.

History demonstrates a pred isposition to seek the solution to the crises

of marria ge breakdown in ex ternal sy stems. During t he past  years, the

Church, law, and medicine have each been called upon to deal with the crises

of marriage breakdown. Understandably, each system has been found want-

ing in its search for solutions. People are averse to losing control over their

own lives. Decrees and “ex pert” rul ings that exclude a ected parties from

the decision-mak ing process do not pass uncha llenged. Omn iscience is not

the prerogative of any profession. Nor should the fam ily’s right to self-deter-

mination be lig htly ignored.

B. THE EMOTIONAL DIVORCE

For many people, there are two cr iteria of self-f ullme nt. One is satisfac-

tion on the job. e second, and more importa nt one, is satisfaction w ith

one’s marriage or fam ily. When marriage brea kdown occurs, the spouses a nd

their child ren experience a g rieving pro cess. Separated spouses nd t hem-

selves livin g alone in a couples-oriented societ y. e concept of the swing ing

single was belied b y reality long before the A IDS crisis. e de vastating ef-

fect of marr iage breakdown i s particu larly evident w ith the displace d long-

term homemaking spouse whose u nited family has cr umbled and who is

ill-equippe d, psychological ly and otherw ise, to convert homemaki ng skills

into gainful employment.

Most legal divorces in Canada a re uncontested. Issues relating to the

economic and parenting consequences of marri age breakdown a re usually

resolved by negotiation betwee n the spouses, who are often represented b y

independent lawyers. Because t he overwhelming majority of al l divorces are

uncontested, it might be assumed th at the legal system works well in resolv-

ing the economic and parent ing consequences of mar riage breakdow n. at

assumption cannot pass unchallenged.

In the typic al legal divorce scen ario, spouses negotiate a set tlement at

a time when one or both are undergoing t he emotional traum a of marri age

breakdown. Psyc hiatri sts and psycholog ists agree t hat this “emotiona l di-

vorce” passes through a var iety of states, includi ng denial, hosti lity, and

depression, to the ultim ate acceptance of the death of the ma rriage. Work-

ing through the s pousal emotiona l divorce rarely ta kes less than t wo years.

In the interim, per manent and legal ly binding decisions a re often made to

regulate the econom ic and parenting conseque nces of the marr iage break-

down. From a legal perspec tive, the economic and parenting consequences of

Chapter : The Crises of Marriage Breakdown and Processes for Dealing with Them 

the marri age breakdown are i nterdependent. Decisions respecti ng any con-

tinued occupation of the m atrimonia l home, the amount of child s upport,

and the amount of spousa l support, if a ny, are conditioned on the arra nge-

ments made for the future upbr inging of the c hildren. e perceived le gal

interdependence of property r ights, support rights, and parental r ights after

divorce natural ly aords opportunities for a buse by lawyers and their c lients.

e lawyer who has been imbued with the “will to w in” from the outset of

his or her career, coupled with t he client who negotiates a settlement when

his or her emotional d ivorce is unresolved, can w reak future h avoc on the

spouses and on their ch ildren. Far too often, whe n settlements are negoti-

ated, childre n become pawns or weapons in t he hands of game- playing or

warring adu lts and the battles do not cease with the judic ial divorce.

e interplay between t he emotional dyna mics of marr iage breakdown

and regulat ion of the economic consequences of ma rriage brea kdown may

be demonstrated by the follow ing examples. A needy spouse who insists t hat

no claim for spou sal support should be pu rsued may be mani festing a hope

for reconciliation or a st ate of depression. A spouse who makes excessive de-

mands is often ma nifesting hostility. A spouse who proers an u nduly gener-

ous nancia l settlement may be expiating g uilt. Denial, depression, hosti lity,

and guilt are a ll typic al manifest ations of the emotional d ivorce that elicit

inappropriate responses to de aling wit h the practical e conomic and parent-

ing consequences of ma rriage breakdow n. Furthermore, l ike most emotional

states, they change w ith the passage of ti me. Separated spouses, law yers,

and mediators should be aware of t he dangers of premature set tlements

when one or both of the spouses are st ill going th rough emotional tu rmoil.

Indeed, the notion of a “cooling-o ” period, though unsuccessfu l as a means

of divorce avoidance, might have sig nicant advanta ges with respect to ne-

gotiated spous al settle ments upon marr iage breakdown. Certa inly, spouses

and their law yers should more frequently assess t he strategic potential of

interim agreements a s a stage in a longer-term d ivorce adjustment and ne-

gotiation process.

e legal divorce and the emot ional divorce usually involve d ierent time

frames. Furt hermore, the emotiona l divorce is rarely contemporaneou s for

both spouses. Law yers frequently encounter situations where one spouse

regards the mar riage as over but the ot her spouse is unable or unw illin g to

accept that realit y. In circumstances where one of the spou ses is adamant-

ly opposed to cutting the m arital umbi lical cord, embittere d negotiations

or contested litigation over support, property division, or custody or access

often reect an un resolved emotional divorce. Spouses who have not worked

their way through t he emotional divorce dis place what is essential ly a non-

litigable issue rel ating to the preservat ion or dissolution of the mar riage by